As a middle school head, I frequently hear from parents who are worried about their children's friendships—and for good reason. Social dynamics become more complex during adolescence, and parents want to support their kids through these new challenges. The problems vary: My child was the subject of a mean group text. My daughter’s friends stopped talking to her. My child has no friends.
Friendship during adolescence is built upon shifting sands. According to a 2015 study, “A Survival Analysis of Adolescent Friendships: The Downside of Dissimilarity,” only 1% of friendships that begin in seventh grade last until 12th grade. There are structural reasons for this. Adolescents begin to specialize in sports or other activities and cultivate friends with similar interests. Kids mature at different rates and outgrow once satisfying friendships. Middle schoolers are also longing to find their “tribe” and may exclude older friends from the new groups they join.
While middle school friendships are fraught for these reasons and more, they are also essential for adolescents’ well-being. Friends are a source of joy and belonging. A 2021 study, “Back to the Dyad: Future Directions for Friendship Research,” shows that when children are close to their peers, they have more confidence, feel more connected, and manage stress in healthier ways.
The problem is that while adolescents prioritize friendship, they just aren’t very good at being friends. Yet. With brains still under construction, they haven’t developed the empathy or problem-solving skills to navigate leaving behind former friends as they choose new ones. As a result, friendship problems are both frequent and painful for adolescents.
Expert Advice for Educators
To learn more about how administrators and teachers can support students and their parents through the complicated landscape of middle school friendships, I sat down with Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescents. Kennedy-Moore has written several books on confidence, friendships, and feelings for both adults and children, and hosts the podcast Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. I’ve summarized the key takeaways from my Q & A with Kennedy-Moore to help educators feel more confident and prepared when addressing friendship-related concerns.
What do educators need to know about friendship conflicts during the middle school years?
Friendship conflict is normal. More than that, it’s how kids learn. Kids cannot wander through their lives believing that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do. Conflict is their opportunity to learn that others may see things very differently. Conflicts allow kids to look beyond their own perspective and respond to a friend in caring ways, to ask them what they need.
There’s a long list of social skills kids learn through conflict. They learn to forgive, to not sweat the small stuff, and to understand other perspectives. When a student comes to you and expresses frustration over a friendship conflict, start by validating the student’s feelings—they need that—but then be a little bit curious. You can ask, “Why do you think your friend did that?” or “How do you think they felt?” This kind of questioning prompts kids to consider the other person’s point of view.
In middle school, do boys and girls experience friendships differently? Is there a gender divide in friendships? For example, is there any truth to the term “mean girls”?
Some research shows that girls have more conflict, and some shows that it’s about even. It depends on the study you look at. What we do know, though, is that girls have higher expectations for their friends. For boys, the expectations are to keep the game going, while the girls expect loyalty and support. The girls are deeply crushed when the friend doesn't live up to the ideal. Boys also tend to travel in bigger groups, so their friendships are less intense. But I can tell you stories that would curl your hair about mean things boys do.
Adolescent meanness is linked to their still-developing brains. Yes, middle school kids have this verbal facility and a greater ability to understand relationships and group dynamics. But their empathy is not fully developed; they have what I call “empathy blind spots.” Those blind spots lead to rationalizations where kids tell themselves, “he's weird” or “nobody likes her,” and then they feel like it is acceptable to be mean to that person. We adults need to call that out immediately, forcefully, and directly.
Sometimes in middle school, teachers see kids conforming to their friend group’s expectations. A child who may not be exclusive by nature acts with exclusion to conform to their friend group. How can we counteract negative peer pressure at school?
Draw upon the values and expectations of your school community. Tell the student that you expect them to be kind. Does that mean they’re always going to be kind? Absolutely not. But at least they know the standard. A teacher could say, “This is not you. I know you.” I find a lot of anti-bullying programming to be naive, because it expects a kid to stand up and say, “No, stop that!” They can't. There are socially powerful kids, and standing up to them may mean that you are the next one under attack.
How can we support parents who express concerns about their child being mistreated or excluded by friends?
When a kid is feeling disconnected at school, they need to be able to come home to safety, so tell parents that they should allow their child to sit with their feelings. They should offer comfort, ice cream, or just some extra love because their kid needs that.
The second step is to caution parents against leaping into action. So many parents will be up late worrying about the crisis that their daughter had with her friends, only to have her come home from school the very next day and say, “Oh, things are fine.” They’re best friends again. Warn parents against riding the roller coaster of middle school friendships; they should just walk next to it.
It can be difficult for adolescents to break up with a friend or leave a friend group that they have outgrown. What advice can educators give parents to guide their child through this kind of transition?
Parents should always emphasize kindness. What is the kind thing to do? The wrong choice is to go tell that friend everything that’s wrong with them; that’s not kind or helpful. Often friendships just fade away, but sometimes kids cling to the less kind friends because they don't feel like they have other options.
Tell parents that they can address this kind of situation proactively. They can use their deep knowledge of their child to figure out what activities they could enjoy doing with other like-minded kids. By doing this, parents give their children the opportunity to broaden their circle of friends.
How can we help a parent who says their child has difficulty making friends?
Remind parents that friendship skills are never about doing one thing. What fuels the development of children’s friendships is an increasing ability to understand someone else’s perspective. Kids need to flexibly adjust their behavior to fit the situation. Sometimes it’s about reaching out, and sometimes it’s about stepping back.
For example, if a parent sees that their child is annoying other kids by constantly interrupting others, encourage the parent to share that observation with their child and help them figure out what it is that they’re doing. Kids have to learn to be alert and read the stop signals that their peers put out. Parents can practice at home and say, “Hey, that’s a stop signal. What do you need to do?” Parents should be sure to give the child a rationale, too. “Why do you need to stop? Because by constantly interrupting, you’re saying to the other person that you don’t care about their ideas.” Sometimes the child can learn to make a statement like, “I'm going to stop now.” Yes, it’s a little bit awkward, but it’s communicating things like, “I hear you. I'm working on it.” And it gives them space to rein it in.
I’ve read that kids only need one friend. Is that true?
A 2013 study, “Peer Relationships in Childhood,” tells us that if kids have even one high-quality, reciprocal friend, they feel happier. They cope better with stress, are less likely to be bullied, and are more engaged with school. In a high-quality friendship, people feel that sense of belonging, of feeling known and valued for who they are. They have fun together. Not enough emphasis has been put on fun!
How has the concept of friendship changed for young people, given how much they interface through technology now?
I am deeply grateful that pictures of me in middle school are not widely available on the internet. I’m sad that our kids don’t get that. It’s also harder to police meanness online because it can be so subtle. For example, someone posts a picture of everybody in the group except one person, and then puts “besties” next to it. The one kid who was left out feels crushed. Or they’ll post a picture of a friend that the friend finds mortifying, and when asked to delete it, they say, “Oh, I thought it was cute.” That’s subtle.
And then there’s the constant search for admiration. “How many people liked my post?” Adults can say to kids, “Don’t compare your inside to someone else’s outside, because you know that picture was edited or cropped or filtered.” It’s hard. I think kids long for that one-on-one connection. In my practice, I’m unrelenting about encouraging kids to do activities together in person.
My Takeaway as an Educator
Friendship is a wonderful way to promote well-being among adolescents. When educators and parents talk about concerns regarding students’ mental health, we often focus on solutions that involve therapy, pharmaceuticals, and neuropsychological testing. While those things are certainly important, it’s great to know that having and keeping good friends is a research-proven strategy for increasing adolescents’ well-being now and in the future.
